I haven't been sleeping.
This isn't a recent development. I haven't been sleeping since before I can remember. I didn't manage to stay in bed for a respectable amount until the age of eight. Every night, I would have to get a glass of water, read a book, or climb in bed with my parents some time around two or three AM. This aversion to a good night's sleep was supposed to be cured when I got my tonsils brutally ripped out by medical professionals and my breathing was "fixed." (This is a flagrant lie. When I do manage to doze off for a few hours, I snore like a tractor.)
Even after the semi-traumatic surgery, I'm still plagued by vivid nightmares, frequent waking up (I don't think I've ever sleepwalked, but I've definitely sleep-texted), and generally sleeping like a ferret. That is, my blankets/pillows always end up on the ground or balled up at the end of my bed. I may not be conscious of this night-thrashing, but my limbs are plenty aware of the lack of rest they've been getting.
Lately, with the combination of winter darkness blah feeling and overwhelming future-stress-turned-to-near-panic, I've been utterly exhausted and unable to sleep. Once I finally doze off, I wake up every two hours or so. Anxiety's been stupid and breath-stealing out of control, and apparently limiting my caffeine intake helps make the scary mental cycling more manageable. Problem is, not only am I the furthest human type from a morning person imaginable, coffee is my lifeblood. I love my coffee, don't mess with that shit. I love it so much it makes me swear.
Limiting my intake to one to two cups in the morning seemed to staving off soul-crushing panic attacks, but this morning my coffee was ill-brewed and gross tasting. I'm a coffee addict and super picky about my brews, which is nooot a good combination of things to be. I missed my morning coffee, and resisted the urge to refresh later in the afternoon for the sake of a good night's sleep.
I've dosed off at least three times this evening, but it's 9:15 now, which is close enough to a normal time for me to give up this horrid task of staying just awake enough to be conscious but not awake enough to be productive or interesting. I avoided all my homework, churned out a whiny blogpost, good night.
It's scary to admit how much I relate to this post. I have been going though so many of the same things that you described. Cutting down on my caffeine has been such a huge struggle for me too. Recently I've been getting the apple cider from Starbucks to almost trick my mind into thinking that it's getting coffee when it's really just getting apple juice. Plus it's quite yummy. That helps.
ReplyDeleteIs it weird if I say that it's...nice to have someone that feels the same things that you do? I mean I wouldn't wish the anxiety or the panic attacks on anyone. They suck too much. I guess what I'm trying to say is that it's good to know that I'm not alone in this weird little journey. Know that too, Abby. If you ever want to talk, send me an email or a Tumblr message.
Best Wishes!
Hope
I can't relate to the coffee part of this post since I don't drink it, but I sympathise with the sleep part. I don't struggle with staying asleep, I just struggle with the actual getting to sleep part. It's been happening a lot lately and because it takes such a long time for me to fall asleep I end up waking up later each time. So, because of this horrible cycle that I've gotten myself into, it is now 3:30 AM and I'm not even tired. I'll probably end up going to sleep at around 9:00 AM and wake up some time in the evening. As each day goes by, the time I fall asleep will get later and later until it's normal again. Then, once it's normal, it will continue to get later again. It's a vicious cycle and I really want to break it. Ugh. I hope that all makes sense.
ReplyDeleteAnyway, I hope that you manage to get a good night's sleep soon as restless sleeps really suck.
Hi Abby it's Colin! I seriously don't understand this post! Haha well I can relate to the coffee part because ummm gurl if it is not brewed correctly uh uh! I can't deal with it coffee is my like my haven of goodness (that doesn't make sense) but yah. Seriously have nothing else to say.... Awkward I usually have long messages where I talk a lot but now I don't know...ok I think it's because I had like no coffee today :) see that's relatable haha
ReplyDeleteWell blog you later I guess....
Sincerely,
Colin!
I hope you got some sleep eventually.
ReplyDeleteI have trouble with this too. Usually I listen to something very familiar and soothing while I try to fall asleep. In my case I listen to Harry Potter audio books, or Jane Austen movies/minseries, or 'Lost in Austen' tv show, etc. All of these I assess from YouTube on my IPod.
Another tip I've been told, which does help somewhat, is to focus on feeling the air along your nostrils and upper lip, as you breath out through your nose (with your mouth closed).
It isn't always easy to really focus your whole mind on to that sensation, but it might help. :)
PS. Well done on getting all your college applications in - I'm impressed!
Good luck with the sleeping! My problem with sleep is mostly that I can't stop my brain thinking through every minute detail of the day, what I need to do the next day, and that's only when I don't have more obvious worries about family/pets/money/life in general.
ReplyDeleteI don't drink alcohol or smoke, but I LOVE my coffee. I don't know how I'd function without caffeine. O_o